I spent a lot of time this week and weekend looking at classified ads for camper vans and real estate listings for houses in northern Wisconsin. I recently got a letter in the mail from my grandfather's estate attorney saying that I should be receiving some money next year and all I can think about it how that could help liberate me for at least a little while. I just imagine what it would be like to just wake up near the mountains and go for a hike with my dog then climb into the van in the evening and drive all night to California.
For months I've felt so distant from myself. I just don't feel like I'll ever be the same. I don't know if it's too late for me yet or not but I somehow keep trying. I recently had what I was hoping would be a new opportunity to do something in the community and also rejuvenate my love for Chicago, but it didn't work out. I got the news this past week while I was managing the daily duties of my job solo while also juggling a million other things.
I'm so burned out that when I do finally get into deep sleep, I wake up for a moment and I'm not sure where I'm at or whats going on. It's not like this lucid kind of rest where I feel refreshed and energized for the day. It's the kind of thing where I wake up and I can't wait to be back in bed later that evening. It's like I just want to press the fast forward button on what are supposed to be the best years of my life.
But I've gone to a number of events lately and have been thinking about taking a trip by myself. It gets really hard after a while when you're so alone for so long. I passed by the farmers market today and didn't really feel anything. It used to be that when I passed it, I always had this gemutlich pang seeing all of the happy couples together spending their Sunday morning at the market and planning their dinner for the evening. It's something that I felt like I always wanted but never did. I'm 31 now and I wonder if I'll ever have that type of relationship.
I was thinking today about what my financial outlook is like and how things would be if I suddenly put in my notice and had nothing else lined up. The issue is that it's just not financially possible to do that. I listed my second bedroom on Airbnb and have been trying to sell my car to help build a cushion for myself but I also just don't know if doing those things are going to be worth it either. Hence why I keep going back to this idea of selling the house and buying something else outright in cash, using it as a vacation rental, then taking that income to fund my dream of being a vagrant with my dog.
I've been in numerous other bad situations and hard times but somehow managed to get through them. The difference this time is that I just feel so alone in my hardships that I don't feel like I have the energy or drive to really push through anymore. It's like I feel like I've finally been defeated. And it's a really depressing thing. I somehow keep ending up in situations where my life is dictated by abusive people. Abusive bandmates, absent family members, and an abusive boss. Basically every job I've had with the exception of a couple of internships and other temporary gigs, I've been forced to work under a psychologically abusive supervisor. I just can't do it anymore.
It feels like I'm dying a slow, painful death in front of my friends, family and colleagues and no one cares. I don't know what the next few months hold for me but I know I need to make a big move to reclaim my life otherwise, I don't know what else could eventually happen. Thank god for my dog.
I know things aren't supposed to be easy. I know that people are busy with their own issues and their own lives. But there's something about living in this city and working this job and living in this day and age that is so tiring and alienating and draining and destabilizing. It makes you really wonder if you'll ever find yourself and find happiness ever again. And that's sad.
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