April 23

I'd really like to start fresh somewhere. I really think about it a lot. I've spent so much time thinking about it that I actually went through the motions of deep cleaning my house and listing it for sale. The idea of being able to cash out and move on and find financial independence and freedom somewhere else felt like something that was giving me a reason to dig in and just keep pushing on. It just really felt like the universe has been pushing me to just make a big dramatic change and move on. And if there were any real time to do it, it felt like this was my chance.

During the process, a lot of little things went wrong. There were some things that weren't in my control and I couldn't spend too much energy sweating it, although I still did. During the process, I got an interesting glimpse into the way these things go and the different games and strategies all of the different players use to try and get the best terms for themselves. But I also had this real fear of wondering if I was making a huge mistake. I was humbled and despite my real struggle to push on and feel better about life, I gained a new appreciation for what I have and how in a lot of ways, I might be able to make this stuff all work out for me in the end.

I finally decided that holding is the best option for now. There are a lot of reasons for this decision... high commission fees, taxes, and the reality of being priced out of this area if I did sell and decided that I wanted to buy here again. I have a lot of options, and there are benefits to them all, but when I think about my future and what kind of life I ultimately want, I think that I have to start viewing my house as my main source of stability and income. While I was preparing my house for sale, I was also thinking about what kind of career I want and what type of jobs I should start applying to. And the reality is, is that I'm not sure if I'm really fit for the workplace. And the few things that I am good at and would like to continue doing, I just don't see people wanting to give me a chance.

Ultimately, careers (at least in the way I've been conditioned) are about sustenance with self-fulfillment as a side effect if you're lucky. But ultimately, you have to not only learn how to play the game like everyone else, but you have to embrace it and thrive in it. I just don't feel that I'm cut out for it. It's incredible to think about how much I've turned into my mom as I progress in life. She always hated work. When she was diagnosed with cancer, just being able to move back home to Reevesville and live the remainder of her life on disability and not have to work another day of the remainder of her life was such a huge relief for her.

And I think about a lot of the struggles that she went through when it comes to workplace politics, jockeying for position in life, all while trying to sustain a dignified life. But it all seems so much more complicated today. I've been lucky to have a lot of opportunities and privileges, but it really does feel like more than ever, I have to look inward for my own self satisfaction and survival than to an employer. I think as much as I have been lucky, I've also been dealt a fair share of bad luck. That combined with my inability to rationally and unemotionally navigate a lot of tough situations have knocked me on my ass time and time again.

I've been drawn towards the church again lately. There's something so purely therapeutic about the rituals, the architecture, the lighting, the music... I went to church twice during Holy Week (the plan was to go every day), and on the second night in a row of mass, I started crying uncontrollably in the line to kiss the cross. I think about all of the suffering we go through on a regular basis. I think about the suffering my mom went through. I think about the suffering my grandparents had to endure. I think about where I came from and where I am now and just feel that I'm still missing a lot. I ended up having to step out of line to go to the bathroom to collect myself. My nose started bleeding while I was standing in line, crying like a broken man. I was a complete mess.

But I guess these are the moments when we find God. When we're completely and utterly stripped to the core and emotionally raw from all of the trauma (external and internal) that we've had to bear. I do think that the love of Christ and the love of the holy spirit is enough to live for. There's a reason why these texts, beliefs, and rituals have been passed down from generation to generation. I think when you look at it as a philosophy of peace—internal peace and trying to bring peace on Earth, that it's a very noble faith. We live in a world of self-worship, and despite the moral superiority many people project, it's very self-serving in a vain sense. It's something that I just can't stomach anymore.

I'm not exactly sure what my next step is, but I think just trying to maintain some semblance of stability while trying to find peace is good goal to have. I do believe that I have to do much better though, for myself, for my friends, peers, in the work I do. It's unfair to myself and to my mom's spirit to take all of these gifts and opportunities for granted. I certainly wish things could be easier. I know we all do. This stuff takes time. I just have to remember that we are all created in the image of God. Even those who do harm to us. Every person is fundamentally flawed. I know I certainly am. I just really ready for healing and some peace.