Life has gotten away from me lately. It's so strange how time seems to move fast as you age. We're not old yet, but we're old enough to know what it's like to love, lose, struggle, and feel happy. I look back on where I was a year ago—I'm certainly in a much different place, but things are mostly the same really. And then the year before then. It's really kind of been this game of just trying to keep the ship steady. The winner is the one who can just keep their head above water, much less really thrive. And the weird thing is so many people around me are truly thriving. They've put themselves out there, they've made a big move, they've paid their dues, but the most important thing is that they followed their heart and did what they loved. I think there's a lot to be said about those who do what makes them happy and then seeing how all of the cards fall into the right places. And then there are those of us who force themselves into this portrait of what they think a responsible and well adjusted adult is supposed to be. It's like that one weird puzzle piece that just wasn't cut very cleanly and you know it fits in a certain spot but it just doesn't want to go in easily. It's like that when you suppress yourself and suppress your dreams and just try to be another forgettable piece of the puzzle.
I've been thinking a lot about how I need to just accept the things I can't control. And it's really just way too many things. Things are going to break in this old house. It's an old house. People are going to disrespect you and walk on you—that's just how life is. Money is going to be tight. Money is always going to be tight. Even when you're making more, you find more things to spend it on and then you're back to where you were ten years ago when you were living with a bunch of roommates and eating burritos every night to get by. There are a lot of things in the environment that we can't control. The violence, the apathy, the evil nature of some people, some institutions, and some places. And in some ways, by letting go of control, we start to let go of our ambition, and let go of our love for life, and the creativity and passion that once inspired us and made us who we were and attracted others to us.
It's like there really is a half-life on youth. As the years progress, you lose the ability to be spontaneous and lose the inhibition that may have caused you to put yourself out there and try something new or to learn something about yourself and the world and how you fit into the world. It is necessary to grow up, but it's not exactly necessary to become so detached to yourself and any previous happiness and love for life that you may have once had. But the daily hurdles do become more exhausting and being alone with your thoughts for so long does take its toll. It really takes the edges off, but the edges were what made us interesting in the first place.
I've been thinking a lot about the Holy Spirit and been trying to find comfort in a knowing that I'm only one soul in a world with billions. No matter what happens to us, the Earth will keep spinning. It always seems to have, and unless we completely destroy Mother Nature, it always will. We carry the sprits of our friends and family and even our pets with us through life. We carry the memories we have of them, we carry the thoughts that they planted in our minds, we carry the heartbreak and uplifting moments that we've shared. And to me, I guess this energy and this feeling of how powerful love can be is the Holy Spirit. A lot of people say that they don't believe in God. And to them, I have to ask "Have you ever been in love?" And I'm not talking about a middle school infatuation or high school romance, but real love. The kind that is healing and makes us stronger as people. Have you ever been in love and had that sensation where you feel it in your chest and it radiates throughout your body? That's God. God is love.
In a world where self worship is so rampant and has become such the norm, it's hard to find that kind of love and it's hard to give that kind of love. But for some reason, that hope of finding it and having it seems to be enough to keep many of us going. I think it's entirely possible to find paradise on earth. Love and peace are the only keys that will open the figurative garden of paradise. May we all find our way there and celebrate when we do finally make it.
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