dream journal 2/10/09
These last few days have been incredibly strange but also very difficult. It seems that whenever I have something heavy land on me, it's a multitude of things at once. And although I have to immediately decide a course of action, the path seems to always be destroyed as soon as it is created. I woke up this morning from a very surreal dream, one where I felt felt perpetually trapped even after dying.
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I needed a job. So I applied for one that I thought was pretty simple. The most important institution in the region had a gorilla at their office and needed somebody to clean up after him. The gorilla however was very advanced, about as intelligent as a human and therefore as violent as a human. He could feed himself and entertain himself, but he just needed someone to clean up after him. He had had a caretaker for a number of years but the person who had cleaned up after this gorilla for years finally passed on. I was brought in as the replacement. My duties were very simple: clean up the gorilla's shit, and keep him happy.
When I started, I felt like it was just a job that I could do in the meanwhile until I found something else more fulfilling. I totally underestimated the importance of this creature. He was huge, probably 10 feet tall when standing and very intimidating. The area that the gorilla was kept was a large area within the the deepest corridors of the building. The ministers and officers were several stories above but could watch the gorilla at any time. I was very careful when moving around him and cleaning up after him. I was also very careful not to look him in the eye or to upset him. The place that hired me for this job was a combination of the area's largest corporation and also the government in one institution. I never found out if the gorilla was some kind of experiment, or a mascot or what. He was just there.
He didn't take very kindly to me. I'm not sure exactly what it was I did to make him dislike me. Maybe, I was just too timid. But I was also afraid to be too casual. Sometimes the gorilla would have guests, and I'd have to pour drinks and serve his company too.
The gorilla started pushing me around a bit and physically harming me. The first few instances were horrifying and made me fear for my life, so I became even more passive and robotic - only moving when I had to. I had my shovel in one hand and bucket in the other ready to go always.
I tried to talk to one of the ministers of the company/government about what was happening and how I didn't like the work at all. She had said that the gorilla was very gentle with his last caretaker and that the happiness of the animal was far more important than my livelihood.
Knowing that I had no other recourse or protection from the higher "management", I realized that there wasn't a whole lot I could do. They wouldn't let me just quit and leave. They said that I had to change the way I acted around the gorilla to make him happy. However, instead of becoming more obedient to his attacks, I began to resent him and started dissenting against my job and the organization as a whole. The gorilla could immediately see a change in my disposition towards him so he became even more aggressive towards me. This time, instead of taking the shellacking and then going about my work, I began to curse the creature and told him how I hated being trapped with him. He grabbed me by my arm and shook me extremely hard. It was so hard that I felt something within me change. It's like I fell asleep for a split second and then continued back to my state of hysterical yowling. I began screaming for help but no one seemed to notice. After a period (which seemed like hours), someone came in to check on the creature and I ran up to them begging for help. Although I was screaming and shouting point blank to this individual, the person completely ignored me! But it wasn't that the person acknowledged me and looked away, no, it was as if I wasn't even there! I had no presence. And then I realized that something was very wrong. I looked at the gorilla and asked him if I was dead. His swift blow to my neck and back had killed me so quickly, that I had no idea that I had already morphed into a ghostly state. Because my work was to clean up after this creature, I was not able to pass on into the afterlife. I became a phantom, stuck in this miserable cage with this animal for all eternity! And although no one else could see me, the gorilla certainly could. He could no longer physically hurt me, but he controlled me completely at this point. I had no free will, and my after-life's duty became the servitude of this creature.
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Clearly, when I woke up I was pretty hazy from such a bizarre dream. Of course, it's always a tough thing to "interpret" such dreams, but I know that they often do carry value. This is the first time that I had actually died in a dream and continued,. which is pretty creepy/strange/horrifying. I think it may have a lot to do with my fears of being tied down to a job working for something that I hate. Although I have tried really hard these last few months to find work within the "activist" community, I am beginning to lose faith in the availability of "feel good" work and starting to accept a more stark future. Having encountered one failure after another x 100, while working virtually for little to no pay for the last six months, it may be time to retreat for now.
It's weird being in a transition limbo for so long. It's really not recommended.
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I needed a job. So I applied for one that I thought was pretty simple. The most important institution in the region had a gorilla at their office and needed somebody to clean up after him. The gorilla however was very advanced, about as intelligent as a human and therefore as violent as a human. He could feed himself and entertain himself, but he just needed someone to clean up after him. He had had a caretaker for a number of years but the person who had cleaned up after this gorilla for years finally passed on. I was brought in as the replacement. My duties were very simple: clean up the gorilla's shit, and keep him happy.
When I started, I felt like it was just a job that I could do in the meanwhile until I found something else more fulfilling. I totally underestimated the importance of this creature. He was huge, probably 10 feet tall when standing and very intimidating. The area that the gorilla was kept was a large area within the the deepest corridors of the building. The ministers and officers were several stories above but could watch the gorilla at any time. I was very careful when moving around him and cleaning up after him. I was also very careful not to look him in the eye or to upset him. The place that hired me for this job was a combination of the area's largest corporation and also the government in one institution. I never found out if the gorilla was some kind of experiment, or a mascot or what. He was just there.
He didn't take very kindly to me. I'm not sure exactly what it was I did to make him dislike me. Maybe, I was just too timid. But I was also afraid to be too casual. Sometimes the gorilla would have guests, and I'd have to pour drinks and serve his company too.
The gorilla started pushing me around a bit and physically harming me. The first few instances were horrifying and made me fear for my life, so I became even more passive and robotic - only moving when I had to. I had my shovel in one hand and bucket in the other ready to go always.
I tried to talk to one of the ministers of the company/government about what was happening and how I didn't like the work at all. She had said that the gorilla was very gentle with his last caretaker and that the happiness of the animal was far more important than my livelihood.
Knowing that I had no other recourse or protection from the higher "management", I realized that there wasn't a whole lot I could do. They wouldn't let me just quit and leave. They said that I had to change the way I acted around the gorilla to make him happy. However, instead of becoming more obedient to his attacks, I began to resent him and started dissenting against my job and the organization as a whole. The gorilla could immediately see a change in my disposition towards him so he became even more aggressive towards me. This time, instead of taking the shellacking and then going about my work, I began to curse the creature and told him how I hated being trapped with him. He grabbed me by my arm and shook me extremely hard. It was so hard that I felt something within me change. It's like I fell asleep for a split second and then continued back to my state of hysterical yowling. I began screaming for help but no one seemed to notice. After a period (which seemed like hours), someone came in to check on the creature and I ran up to them begging for help. Although I was screaming and shouting point blank to this individual, the person completely ignored me! But it wasn't that the person acknowledged me and looked away, no, it was as if I wasn't even there! I had no presence. And then I realized that something was very wrong. I looked at the gorilla and asked him if I was dead. His swift blow to my neck and back had killed me so quickly, that I had no idea that I had already morphed into a ghostly state. Because my work was to clean up after this creature, I was not able to pass on into the afterlife. I became a phantom, stuck in this miserable cage with this animal for all eternity! And although no one else could see me, the gorilla certainly could. He could no longer physically hurt me, but he controlled me completely at this point. I had no free will, and my after-life's duty became the servitude of this creature.
--------------
Clearly, when I woke up I was pretty hazy from such a bizarre dream. Of course, it's always a tough thing to "interpret" such dreams, but I know that they often do carry value. This is the first time that I had actually died in a dream and continued,. which is pretty creepy/strange/horrifying. I think it may have a lot to do with my fears of being tied down to a job working for something that I hate. Although I have tried really hard these last few months to find work within the "activist" community, I am beginning to lose faith in the availability of "feel good" work and starting to accept a more stark future. Having encountered one failure after another x 100, while working virtually for little to no pay for the last six months, it may be time to retreat for now.
It's weird being in a transition limbo for so long. It's really not recommended.