meaning of nothingness

I've been getting to that point lately where I feel like I can't go through a week without having a major crisis. Last week was a very disheartening one for various reasons. I've gotten to the point where I just feel like I can't trust certain people and that putting in extra effort really does nothing to improve my current status/situation.

It's Saturday. So I'm slowly getting up, finally put some shorts on and let the dog out. I'm just taking my time waking up. Turn on the coffee maker, pour out a bowl of cereal—the usual. It's a gray day and I'm just not really feeling up for anything. I have a wedding reception later in the night, but I'm just trying to hang out and not really think about anything. I go outside to bring the dog back in but I figured I'd check to see if the mail came. And on my front steps is a dead bird. And it's not like it just so happened to die there, someone placed it there.



People who know me very well know that I'm pretty superstitious. And I've always had this thing about coming across dead birds. I feel like it's a sign that something very serious is on the horizon. Of course my heart sank when I saw it. And then I thought, why? Why would someone do this? I've already been feeling so depressed that I'm ready to just walk away from humanity, but this was salt in the wound. So I grabbed some latex gloves and a plastic bag and picked it up, along with the piles of garbage that people just throw in front of my house. Having a bus stop in front of my house means that my bushes are the garbage can for public trans riders.

I take the dog to the dog park and then swing by a friend's house to grab the present I wanted to give to my friends who are getting married. Then I go home and start getting ready. I wasn't invited to the ceremony or dinner, but I was invited to the reception. I figured, maybe they just wanted a small ceremony, no big deal. When I arrived, I was one of maybe just a few people who showed up just for the reception. Everybody was already there. It just felt really weird. I walked in during the best man's toast. Everyone was really happy and seemed to be really feeling the moment. I was outside of the little building looking in. There were these bars in the window. I felt like I was locked out while everyone was inside having a great time. It was very weird.



When I was finally able to get in and say hi to people, it was like this thing where it just seemed like, "Oh. You're here." I don't know why. I guess I feel like I'm just projecting my own insecurity. People have been leaving me out on things at work, and it's been really eating away at me. It's been really getting to me on a deep, psychological level. Anyways, it was real nice and I talked with some folks for a little while, left my gift, and ended up going home.

Over the next day or so, people kept sharing photos of the ceremony and how cute and nice it was. And in this day and age, when it comes to weddings and big life events, this stuff is going to be all over social media for days. Everyone was there, having a great time. And then, the pain of last summer came rushing back—when my old band got back together to play Riot Fest and no one told me about it. People were posting photos of the band playing, and the big crowd that attended, and it just seemed like everyone I knew was there and they were all having a great time. I was there to write those songs and record them, but when they were playing that festival I was just sitting at home, feeling miserable and depressed about the situation. It was a very real despair, and it still pains me to think about it.



I realize we're all just trying to get through life and find our own way, but I'm beginning to truly believe that I've peaked and that things are only going to get worse from here. It's really depressing to think about. I used to be fit, ambitious, curious about the world, I had so much energy to go and do things and meet new people. Now, I just don't want anything to do with people. I feel like the same things happen over and over and over and over... I don't really know what's supposed to come next for me.

Today during the afternoon, my one coworker who I'm very close with told me that her husband's dad is very sick and she just found out. I immediately thought about the dead bird on my steps. I was wondering, "Was that what that was all about?" Of course, I feel awful for her and I really hope for the best. I was just in that situation last summer and it's not fun.

For me, when I go through hard times, I'm truly alone. I don't have a partner, I don't have roommates, I don't have a mom, my dad could really give a shit about what happens to me, my family in South Carolina all despise me for some reason. And it gets really, really hard. I really understand what my mom went through for so long and now I truly understand why she just never had any passion or will to live. And I feel like that's just how I'm going to be. I've already pretty much given up on dating. My house is a huge money pit and I still don't really feel like it's "home" for me yet. I tried to call a friend tonight and he sent it to voicemail after a couple of rings. A few days ago I tried to call a different friend. It went to voicemail, although he did message me back. He never called me back though.

I really do feel like there's nothing more for me here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been rotting away on the inside for so long, I don't know if I'll ever be able to repair myself or fully heal. I think if I am going to try to live this life, I have to make a dramatic change. I'm tired of always feeling so unwanted. I just can't believe that this is what my life has come to. It really, really sucks. I'm honestly very disappointed in myself that I'm not in a better situation and that I've allowed myself to become what I am. And maybe this is why no one wants anything to do with me. Maybe they feel the same way. They see the shell of the person they used to be friends with.

But who really knows... The sun always rises though. There will always be tomorrow.

Life has gotten away from me lately. It's so strange how time seems to move fast as you age. We're not old yet, but we're old enough to know what it's like to love, lose, struggle, and feel happy. I look back on where I was a year ago—I'm certainly in a much different place, but things are mostly the same really. And then the year before then. It's really kind of been this game of just trying to keep the ship steady. The winner is the one who can just keep their head above water, much less really thrive. And the weird thing is so many people around me are truly thriving. They've put themselves out there, they've made a big move, they've paid their dues, but the most important thing is that they followed their heart and did what they loved. I think there's a lot to be said about those who do what makes them happy and then seeing how all of the cards fall into the right places. And then there are those of us who force themselves into this portrait of what they think a responsible and well adjusted adult is supposed to be. It's like that one weird puzzle piece that just wasn't cut very cleanly and you know it fits in a certain spot but it just doesn't want to go in easily. It's like that when you suppress yourself and suppress your dreams and just try to be another forgettable piece of the puzzle.

I've been thinking a lot about how I need to just accept the things I can't control. And it's really just way too many things. Things are going to break in this old house. It's an old house. People are going to disrespect you and walk on you—that's just how life is. Money is going to be tight. Money is always going to be tight. Even when you're making more, you find more things to spend it on and then you're back to where you were ten years ago when you were living with a bunch of roommates and eating burritos every night to get by. There are a lot of things in the environment that we can't control. The violence, the apathy, the evil nature of some people, some institutions, and some places. And in some ways, by letting go of control, we start to let go of our ambition, and let go of our love for life, and the creativity and passion that once inspired us and made us who we were and attracted others to us.

It's like there really is a half-life on youth. As the years progress, you lose the ability to be spontaneous and lose the inhibition that may have caused you to put yourself out there and try something new or to learn something about yourself and the world and how you fit into the world. It is necessary to grow up, but it's not exactly necessary to become so detached to yourself and any previous happiness and love for life that you may have once had. But the daily hurdles do become more exhausting and being alone with your thoughts for so long does take its toll. It really takes the edges off, but the edges were what made us interesting in the first place.



I've been thinking a lot about the Holy Spirit and been trying to find comfort in a knowing that I'm only one soul in a world with billions. No matter what happens to us, the Earth will keep spinning. It always seems to have, and unless we completely destroy Mother Nature, it always will. We carry the sprits of our friends and family and even our pets with us through life. We carry the memories we have of them, we carry the thoughts that they planted in our minds, we carry the heartbreak and uplifting moments that we've shared. And to me, I guess this energy and this feeling of how powerful love can be is the Holy Spirit. A lot of people say that they don't believe in God. And to them, I have to ask "Have you ever been in love?" And I'm not talking about a middle school infatuation or high school romance, but real love. The kind that is healing and makes us stronger as people. Have you ever been in love and had that sensation where you feel it in your chest and it radiates throughout your body? That's God. God is love.

In a world where self worship is so rampant and has become such the norm, it's hard to find that kind of love and it's hard to give that kind of love. But for some reason, that hope of finding it and having it seems to be enough to keep many of us going. I think it's entirely possible to find paradise on earth. Love and peace are the only keys that will open the figurative garden of paradise. May we all find our way there and celebrate when we do finally make it.